Fractured Fairy Tales
Snow White and the Huntsman
Snow White and the Huntsman is the new re-telling of an old fairy tale, Snow White. The wicked witch is still very, very wicked and she spends her time sucking the lifeblood out of endless innocent maidens and tossing their lifeless corpses on the floor of The Great Hall while Snow White is trapped in The Tower, where she is forced to eat mice and such.
The huntsman, just back from the wars, has been dispatched by the Wicked Queen to hunt down Snow White so that she can eat her heart and remain forever young. Instead he falls for Snow White and saves her so that she can lead the charge against the evil queen and save the kingdom from her Black Spell. And so she does. She is last seen at her coronation while the hunstman looks on from the wings looking rather forlorn. She gets the kingdom but he doesn't get the girl.
In a fit of rage, he returns to the dark forest and joins a band of Not So Merry Men who from that time on known as MGTOW,or Men Going Their Own Way. They hunt wild animals and each other but never princesses, never again.
And by the look of her, Snow White was none too thrilled by becoming Queen. If he can be a queen, why can't she, she reasons. After all, she knows many MGTOWS who are queens.
But it's all happened so fast. It was straight from years spent, her best years really, locked up in The Tower, to being hunted down like a wild animal and now to the high stress career of running the kingdom. Is this the life of a princess? No honeymoon? No ladies-in-waiting? And no more apples?
No, no more apples. They might be poisoned. Even the ones from Whole Foods? Yes, even the ones from Whole Foods. No more apples, and no more apple tarts and no more bobbing for apples. No more bobbing for apples? No, have some carrot juice instead.
And where is our prince? It is his kiss that will wake her from her poisoned slumber. There is no prince at all. He was eaten by Betty Friedan.
Betty was in her chambers, writing a new book, called Damn the Mirror, when she turned to that not so fair friend and asked:
Mirror, mirror on the Wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
Rather than answering her, the mirror cracked in half and began to belch black smoke and poisonous snakes. Consumed by her anger, Betty, Advisor to the Queen, cast a spell over the prince, who feel into a deep but troubled sleep.
Meanwhile the new Queen, was in The Great Hall ruminating over whether or not to invite the dwarfs to the castle to ask their advice. After all, she had never even had a chance to be a princess let alone a queen. But she fretted. Perhaps they would expect her to clean house again and prepare their meals as she had before she became Queen. And she certainly couldn't do that. Not now.
She turns to the mirror to ask its advice and the mirror tells her to hire a Mexican. A Mexican? What is that and where does it come from?
The mirror explains, patiently, that a Mexican is someone from Mexico and can clean clastle for 60 gold pieces an hour.
What? They want a fortune and to think those damn dwarves never paid me a hapenny.
But she sends for the Mexicans anyway and then looks at her nails. The campaign against the evil queen has left them torn and chipped.
Mirror, mirror on the Wall
Who'll do my nails, after all?
Hard as Nails and Funky Weaves, said the mirror on the wall.
And who might they be?
But rather than explain, the mirror shows the Queen a vision of Hard as Nails and Funky Weaves.
Hell, I can do your damn nails. And your hair, too. It is a mess. Just needs a coupla' weaves, fill it out a little. We got lots of black weaves, honey. Got blond ones, too. Case you want to do a color change. Sheeet. Dey mo' black blondes than whites ones these days. So, your century or mine?
No, no that's fine. I want to keep my hair black as ebony wood and my skin white as snow, if you don't mind. I am Snow White, after all.
Suit yourself. But don't be givn me no shit. The new queen is black, so get over it. Got that? Jes git over it.
What is she talking about? The woman is quite mad. She is a woman, isn't she? And in any case, the old queen was fair of face with golden hair but quite black of heart. And I'm the Queen now, me, Snow White.
I don't think so, bitch, but I ain't goona fight witcha!
At this point, Betty, Advisor to the Queen, enters the room and addresses Snow White.
I think you need to talk to someone. I have a friend. His name is Harvey Whinestein. He's a PhD in Transactional Therapy. I think he could do you wonders.
But Snow White is worried sick. Where is the prince? He never stays out this late. I mean with all the vampires and MGTOWS and laser weaponry out there the Dark Wood is worse than it's ever been.
I'd forget about that prince if I were you says Betty, Advisor to the Queen. Here's a little something to read. A scroll called Ms. Princess.
Part 2 Snow White and the Dark Knight